A Mass of Sound & Fury, Signifying Nothing

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for...

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 08:00:51 GMT

They say, the worst she can say is "no"....

But, the "no" hits like a ton of fucking bricks, dropped off of a tall building.

Meh.

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 04:11:57 GMT

Not that it matters to anyone, but I will not be ranting about the upcoming holiday.

It would be pointless and commonplace, and essentially the same goddamn thing I've said over a million times already over the last couple of years. So, I'm saving all 2 of you (namely, me and whichever of my siblings checks this stupid thing to see if I'm still alive and then rats me out to my parents if I've written about something that is not Holm-sanctioned) who bother to read this shit the subsequent headache.

Don't say I never did anything for ya.

Sitting in a bunker, here behind my wall....

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 05:26:42 GMT

I don't post much, anymore, I know.

It has more to do with the fact that I really don't have a lot of consequential to talk about, anymore.

Mostly, it's just work, drawing, World of Warcraft, and sleep. I don't go anywhere or do much else, anymore. In some ways, it's comforting, because I have less things to worry about... But, at the same time, I don't like not having much else to look forward to... Especially since work, on the whole, sucks a big, fat one.

I don't feel like I need anyone to make my life better. For the first time in a long time, I'm completely fine being by myself... But, at the same time, I miss being someone's man. I miss being in love.

I don't know if that makes me a hypocrite or not.

Nothing's right, I'm torn...

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 04:58:50 GMT

I am responsible.

I am finishing the strip and posting it, no matter how alluring the siren song of World of Warcraft is...

I am responsible.

I am finishing the strip and posting it, no matter how alluring the siren song of World of Warcraft is...

I am responsible.

I am finishing the strip and posting it, no matter how alluring the siren song of World of Warcraft is...

*sighs* Patience & Discipline... Patience & Discipline...

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 09:01:59 GMT

Gonna be going to the folks' for the duration of the holidays.

Hope you guys have a merry christmas or whatever, and that you all get what you wanted most.

Me... No one can gift-wrap what I want, but then, what else is new...?

Show & Tell time, again...

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 06:54:33 GMT

OK... Felt like showing off my returning artistic acumen, beyond what I've shown in the strip so far... I don't know if you guys check my gallery page all that often, but if you haven't, here's a few I've recently added...

Jeanette Voerman, from VtM:Bloodlines. It's actually the second version of the character that I'd done. The first was embarassingly bad, and thank God I never displayed it, publically.

Stubbs, from Stubbs the Zombie in: Rebel Without a Pulse. Been meaning to do this since I got the game (which rocks the casbah, BTW)

Finally, a drawing of 2amcoffee's WoW character, that I'd procrastinated doing for ages.. I might do a second version, because the character came off looking more angry than "ready for action," as I had intended for her to look.

So, yeah... More to come as I do them

Taking yet another break from the pencil & paper...

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 18:17:24 GMT

Still drawing, and it's getting easier and easier to maintain updates, which makes me really glad and hopeful of the future of the strip, for a change.

I really want to one day be able to just do the strip for a job. I have no idea, at present, how such a thing could be accomplished, and, at this point, I've got a hell of a long way to go before such a thing could possibly be an option. I have to have a steady reader base who aren't worried that I'll suddenly disappear like a thief in the night, once again. *L*

It's just wishful thinking, I know....

But I want to try to get to that point, nonetheless.

Taking a break from coloring Next Monday's strip to ponder something...

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 09:01:47 GMT

So, I'm trying to get back into the comics circles again, and that includes reading other peoples' strips... Honestly, I'm to the point where I don't even want to think about making comparisons or anything that might denote jealousy or that my work somehow deserves something, because that just gets me in trouble...

Anyway, I'm finding myself liking several strips which, in some respect or another affliate or associate with strips done by people who were never very fond of me, or my stuff... That's not to say that, in some regards, I didn't deserve criticism or the occasional bit of scorn, because I was, at time, a bit of a whiny jerk with an entitlement complex. That being said, I don't bear any animosity towards anyone like I used to and I want to take steps forward and do more and be more than I was... But sometimes, that isn't enough.

Which makes me wonder... Would my liking thier comics suddenly put some kind of stigma on their work? 'Cause I'd hate for that to be the case. I'd hate for them to think that I'm sullying things because I have much more appreciation for their work and humor and such than I previously had.

I'm probably making ridiculously huge mountains out of molehills, but, at the same time, the process of getting back ont he horse, for good, has been making me feel more than a little self-conscious. I feel like it's an issue that has to be addressed if I want to keep moving forward. I don't want to be thought of as the same old whiny douchebag who felt that he deserved comic of the year, even though he didn't deserve it, one iota.

OK, enough speculation... Back to my updating groove....

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 07:58:03 GMT

I really want the holidays to be over with and out of the way.

I really hate this time of year, anymore.

Oblah-Dee, Oblah-Dah, Life drags on.....

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 05:17:23 GMT

Hi.

It's been a while since I last updated, so I thought I'd just say howdy and say a few things about what's been going on....

Nothing's been going on.

There. I said it. I'll say it again if I have to.

It's been one straight bleed from September to now. A few ups and a few downs, but, when it comes right down to it, it's all the same ol' same ol' pointless crap that really doesn't need mentioning.

That being said, let me tell you something... I'm dealing with it. My life is in a bit of an impasse, of which I have little to no means of removing myself from at present time, but I'm dealing with it. I'm accepting of the fact that, despite hating my job and hating this town and hating being alone in all of this mess, I can still manage to function properly and keep from plummeting headlong into catatonic despair.

My boss made it clear to me, early on in the job, when I was having difficulties with a co-worker, that I didn't have to like the person, but I had to work with him, nonetheless... And, in a roundabout way, that's kinda how this situation is... I don't have to like this situation (In fact, I downright loathe it), but it's how it has to be right now, and I will have to live with it, as such.

I'm not happy, really, but then, I'm not completely unhappy, either. I can keep myself amused and still cling to hopes that things will eventually improve. Things just aren't improving, all that much, and it frustrates me.

I'm just going to focus hardcore on trying to get my artwork back into consistency, because that, at the moment, is really one of the only things I have a modicum of control over. Everything else is just gonna have to unravel itself out of the proverbial Gordian knot it ended up in.

So, yeah... Crazy-Fun-Time-Goofin'-Off-Martian-Style...

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 05:17:04 GMT

I updated S&V for Monday & Wednesday.

I decided that I'm gonna have to try and pick myself up as best as I can, despite the hollow, brittle feeling that pervades through me, anymore.

If that means just hunkering down and working on stuff as hard as I can, regardless of whatever else is going on around me, than so be it.

I could and should be doing more and better things than what I have been doing.

I won't lie... I still feel like a complete and utter failure... I still hate my life and fervantly wish for it's end....

But I need to do something, for fuck's sake.

Wed, 31 Aug 2005 05:31:10 GMT

I know I don't post much, nowadays.

I haven't felt much like talking, anymore.

It's all the same, anyway...

Everything's bullshit.

Nothing matters.

Sat, 20 Aug 2005 09:22:07 GMT

I hate my life.

I want to fucking die.

And now, another installment of "'Holy Fuck, There's a HUGE Surprise' Theater...."

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 10:29:02 GMT

I fucking hate being alone.

I can't handle this, anymore.

Mon, 18 Jul 2005 01:47:40 GMT

So, I've been out a few times over the last few nights...

And during these outings, I've heard quite a bit of noise from the girls I've been out on the town & such with, about how much they want someone who's real and genuine and someone they can have a family with and such...

And yet, they still hook up with Johnny Jackass... And it's pretty damn obvious that it's not going to go any further than one fleeting night.

Ya gotta love dating... You just gotta.

*begins laughing maniacally, which quickly becomes overdone crying*

On this day, above all others, I really wonder...

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 11:54:01 GMT

Am I truly better off?

In many ways, I am... But in most, I'm not.

My self-sufficiency took a huge stride forward, originally out of an effort to impress and win back her love, and just survived because I had no other choice. I take care of my bills, I make sure I make it to work and I work hard. I ask no favors of no one, partly to keep myself from feeling ashamed for having to do so, partly out of a deep-seated need to not have to rely on others to bail me out of my problems...

In financial and living situations, at least.

My emotional state is a complete shambles and has been since it all fell apart.

Even now, there is still visible signs of the devastation, much like a bombed-out area that no one knows what to do to fix it, so they leave it... Partly as an eventual task to complete, partly as a reminder of human weakness.

To this day, I've never met anyone who even came close to making me feel the way she did. Since she left, I've faced more betrayal, deception, hurt and disinterest than I had, previous to her. Those I dated after her were largely awful, and my relationship with Cass seems to be becoming more and more a sham as time goes on and information comes to light.

I often wonder if things would have been better, had it all not fell apart. I hate much of my life, anymore, I'll admit. My job, my apartment, this town, the bulk of the company that finds me... I hate it. I find myself crying under the massive frustration and disappointment, more often than not. Yet, I'm more trapped in it all than I ever was in my life in Ellsworth, when she was still the most important thing in my life. I can't seem to change or fix any of it... anymore than I could change or fix how things ended or what came after that.

But this is my lot. I hate it, and more and more days go by that I make futile wishes that things might improve... But they don't. I understand that this is my lot. I have no misconceptions of that, though. I understand that she was not meant to be mine, anymore, though it left me hollow as a cheap chocolate rabbit at Easter. I wish her the best, and think of her often... But that ship sailed away and all I have is memories and regret....

And dreams... Incessant dreams of her.

In a lot of ways, I'm stronger and able to weather life's storms.

But, in many more ways, I'm very weak and far more broken than ever.

I'll shut up now.

I'm such a damn idiot.

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 06:29:22 GMT

There's this incredibly gorgeous and statuesque girl at work.

Tall, blonde, beautiful... She is so incredibly breath-taking. I can't help but watching her as she walks by.

The first time I saw her, she was walking out of the breakroom to the production floor as the shift started. She was new and looked lost. I approached her and offered to show her where to go. When we got to her destination, she smiled sweetly at me, touched my arm and thanked me. I was giddy as all get-out, all day, after that.

On another occasion, she had been shipped over to the area where I work and was working at one of the blasts, shovelling sausage from a bin into the feeder for the production line. She looked positively miserable, and I went over and shot the breeze with her a couple of times. Honestly, I was proud of myself, because I didn't find myself agonizing over the idea of talking to her before I did it.

Since then, I've been finding myself doing the incredibly stupid "guy practice" of trying to look and act super-competent and capable when she's nearby, often to disasterous results of running into things and such.

Anyway, last week, while on break, I was sitting in the breakroom, talking to a new guy who'd been shipped out to bakery and was cleaning one of the storage areas that day, when she walked through the room. Her gorgeous blonde hair was done up in pigtails, and she looked positively adorable. When my partner, Jess, came in from having a cigarette, I mentioned to her that the girl was wearing pigtails today, and how cute she looked. I flippantly remarked that, if I could get anything for my birthday, I wanted her. The new guy sitting with us remarked that he knew her and asked if I wanted him to "set you guys up." I thought that he was bullshitting me, and respectfully declined.

A few days later, I saw the new guy and the girl interacting, which proved that he liekly wasn't lying.

Flash forward to yesterday. Said statuesque girl was pulling racks for blast six, and so she was zipping by me, all day, yesterday. She wouldn't even look my way, for the most part, and if our gazes met, she seemed to regard me in a way that was similar to a child regarding a bug. I began to feel more and more like the girl was way out of my league and that I was a fool for thinking that someone so beautiful would even consider spending time with me, much less cultivating a relationship.

Today, I remarked to Jess that that guy and the girl knew each other, after all... And Jess told me that she'd run into that guy a few days earlier and he told her that he had told the blonde girl about my "wanting her for my birthday." Jess asked him why he would do that to which this guy replied "well, she's my friend. Why shouldn't I?" To her credit, Jess refrained from telling me this for quite some time, to try and spare my feelings, and even after having spilled the beans, regretted having told me, given how hard it hit me.

Honestly, the remark was made in a very innocent way. Last year, it was a very similar request I had jokingly made, that I wanted a girlfriend for my birthday, and this was largely me being silly & playful. I really was attracted to this girl and wanted to get to know her better. Despite my complete and utter lack of a sex life in, lo, this past year and several months, it had little to do with sex, other than a deep physical attraction I felt towards her.

Though, in retrospect, I began seeing how the remark sounded very sexually-focused... And I felt like a jackass. She probably thought that I was a colossal pig... Like all those jack-offs I so often proclaim to be unlike.

I feel so stupid.

And now, a public service announcement...

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 04:23:59 GMT

ATTENTION, LADIES

If you are intending on feigning interest in me, acting like you are attracted to me, and rubbing up against me like you actually are interested in some... *ahem*, for an extended period of time, but then taking off and acting less-than-interested in me for the remainder of the evening, please save us both the time and trouble and not bother.

I've neither the patience nor the endurance to put up with that kind of treatment, and I think you could find plenty of other men who actually get off on that kind of shit.

Thank you.

Sun, 19 Jun 2005 18:41:08 GMT

Hey.

Been moving from this shit pit to a new apt., of late, which is why there's been no comics. It's a much nicer place, in general. Smaller, by far, but for just me, and my cat, Buddy, it's a much better fit. We've been working constantly at Tony's, because production has been going up and up, of late, so there's been a lot of 13 & 1 scheduling, and I've had to do a lot of my moving after I get home from work. With no truck on hand, it's been a very slow, bit-by-bit process.

Also...

On the "Aaron's getting out & doing something" front, I took the night off from moving and went out. Saw lots of people from work at the bar, last night, including a girl I know, like, and have been quite friendly with. I went over to her to say hello and strike up a conversation, and she totally ignored me. I went back to where I was sitting, and stewed a bit about it, then went over to try and talk to her a second time. She looked right in my direction, I waved hello, and it was like I wasn't even standing there. She turned around and resumed talking to those she was with. I felt like the biggest nothing in the entire fucking world.

I hate this.

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 02:53:21 GMT

I made a complete and utter fool of myself, last night.

Last night, I decided to go out. I hadn't been out since shortly after Cass left me, and normally, I don't like going to the bars by myself, because I always felt like people who go to bars alone and drink by themselves are priarily alcoholics. But, I was really neededing to do something outside the apartment. So, I got cleaned up and dressed up and went down to one of the bars that I really like.

So, I'm there by myself. I stopped and chatted for a bit with someone from work that I sorta know, but it was obvious that he really didn't seem liked he wanted me hanging out with him and his friends all that much, so I went off and sat down at a table. I'm looking around the bar, and there this girl that catches my eye, and she looks really, really familiar. Then, it hits me.

But, before I continue the tale of last night, let me explain to you a bit of backstory...

ABout a month after Cass left, I was feeling exceptionally bored and lonely and put together a personals ad on yahoo, if only to see if I'd get any responses. Predictably, there weren't many. But, one day, about a month ago, I got a response from a cute redhead here in town. Now, the response I got was one of those stupid "try-before-you-buy," pre-formatted, single-sentence responses. They let you do that much, but you have to shell out $20 a month to actually be able to e-mail a person.

So, anyway, I replied back with pre-formatted, single-sentence response. There wasn't much else that I could do, because I really did not have the money to toss into something like that. And it frustrated me, but life went on.

Fast forward to last night, and there was the cute redhead, in the flesh. I wrestled with the idea of talking to her. But, given the situation with how I came to recognize her, I didn't like the idea of starting a conversation with something to the tune of blathering on about how she responded to a yahoo personals thing I'd made, because, really, the whole thing just sounded a little sad.

So, I approached her, asking if I knew her, because she looked very familiar. She was even more adorable in person, and had amazing eyes.

She asked me if I've lived in town long. I replied, "not really. I mean, I've lived in town for about a year or so, but I grew up in the area." She told me that she was new in town, having just come from Michigan. Then, the bartender came over and handed me a beer that I didn't even order, but because I'd been coming up periodically to order a beer, I think she just figured I wanted another. So, I paid for it. While that was giong on, another bartender handed the girl a drink, she took it, flashed me an akward smile and wished me good night, then walked off, talking to a friend of hers and sorta looking back at me with a puzzled look.

And I felt like a complete and utter fool.

I felt like I blew it, big time. I sat down in a worn easy chair near the bar and finished the beer I really didn't want. Then, I went home.

Honestly, I still feel stupid and sad about how poorly that went, but at least I was able to approach the girl and initate a conversation. 9 times out of 10, I'd be too terrified to do so. There's a girl at work who I've been crushing on since the day I started, but I can't muster more than "thank you" if she brings a stack of crusts to be reworked over to the press if I'm working there, or "excuse me" if I happen to be in her way (which seems like an awful lot, even though I don't ever intend for it to be so.) Other than that, I can't say a word to her, and the sight of her makes me feel a compbination of longing and sadness at the same time.

So, yeah... Aaron's not really Smooth Talker material.

Yee.

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 09:02:47 GMT

I hate being restless and having no one to talk to.

I wouldn't be suprised if I inadvertantly burned the vast majority of my bridges with my constant whining over the last 2 years.

I'm sorry, everyone.

I wish I could fix everything.

I wish things had been better, in general.

I wish I hadn't driven you all to the point where you either don't know what to say to me, anymore, or you're just too flat-out disgusted to speak to me.

But, wishing gets a person nowhere. There's a lot of things that I wish were different, but aren't, and while it sucks, that's the way it goes.

I'm babbling.

I'm going to shut up, now.

What's gong on with me, lately...

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 06:54:16 GMT

I'm sitting through a 3-day suspension without pay.

What happened was that I got a case of gout, right before Memorial Weekend, and couldn't walk or stand without being in quite a bit of pain. So, I called in sick, and went and got looked at by a doctor. I got a note that excused me from work for medical reasons, and everything. But when I submitted it to the h/r lady at work on Tuesday, they didn't accept it, because for a doctor's note to be accepted, it has to be a minimum of three days missed.

So, I was written up. And given 3 days suspension without pay. And had to take a drug test. The leads even said it was ridiculous to do this, but policy is policy, so it had to be done.

As for my first day, it was pretty-much me sitting around, playing video games all day... Sweating my ass off in this stuffy pit.

Which brings me to point of interest #2.

Got an e-mail from Weed, who explained to me that splitting an apartment in KC right now would not be be financially viable for him right now, and that his suggesting it initially was largely just wishful thinking. This kind of leaves me in a bit of a bind right now, as I don't know if I could totally afford both a move and setting myself up with a place in KC on my own right now.

I may be stuck here. I may just have to make the best of my situation. I have enough to at least get me into a much nicer place than this, where I don't have to pay for everything and I wouldn't sweat my ass off every goddamn day because the apartment is stuff and the a/c doesn't work worth a shit.

I think the bosses know how close I am to telling them where to shove this job, so they started training me last week on a new job that is considerably less stressful and pays more an hour.

Besides, maybe right now isn't the best time for me to move away from my family, as I will now explain in point of interest #3.

Both my grandparents are now going down the tubes, health-wise.

Grandpa was too weak to get his bypass surgery that he really needed. The fact that he couldn't have the surgery made him very angry and frustrated, which he took out on the hospital staff in ways of being nasty or uncooperative.

Saturday, I got a call from my sister... My Grandmother is in the hospital in Wichita... She had a bad turn and needed to be operated on. Later MRIs would show that she'd developed a brain tumor the size of a golf ball. She was apparently thrashing about, swearing like a sailor, and generally not acting herself. My family has been back & forth to Wichita, of late, and I've been calling Dad, daily, to get news.

I think now they need me around. I can't bear the idea of how devastated my Dad will be if & when he loses his folks. I remember how hard Mom took it when she lost her mother a couple of years ago. We almost lost Dad, earlier this year, when he had his heart attacks, and I don't know what I would have done....

And now, I'll close with this bit of musing....

We are creatures of such limitations. Our lives are bound by limitations on how long they last. Our eyesight only reaches so far, as does the distance by which the sound of our voice can travel. There are things in this world that still continue to astound our minds even in this day of super-information. The logic of even the most basic things still eludes us.

By this rationale, it goes without saying that because we only can see so far, physically, mentally and emotionally, that the loss of those close to us hit us so hard and cut us so deeply. In some ways, we subconsiously think they those close to us will be with us, forever. We know that one day we will lose them, because we are told this, but it isn't until those close us are cut from our respective lives do we truly come to understand the pain of loss. Through death, unfortunate circumstances, or the demise of love, everyone leaves us. Everyone.

We try to cope with our losses as best we can, be it in the form of letting our grief flow, trying to salve the wounds with whatever medications we can, be it intoxicants, love, material goods, etc., but deep down, no matter how we try to suck out the pain like it was snake venom, part of it always gets mixed into your blood stream. No matter what, it'll never go away. It may not show it's face as often as it does after the wound is fresh, but the pain's there and it will pop up. It will come back, and at times when you have no idea why, at that. It just does, and you'll be forced to ride it out, because there's nothing you can do.

Those we love, we lose...

And yet, we never lose them...

In any fashion, good or ill...

They never leave us.

Apparently, the Federal refund didn't go towards the loans, after all...

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 05:05:41 GMT

So, my accumulated "Get the Fuck out of Salina" funds are now at around $1,300.

At this point, the moving date is set for the end of June, though I may have to stretch it out longer, depending on how things progress, this month. I still need time to pack, find a new job, and a new place to live, so I'll work for at least a couple of weeks longer. The pay from that should cover rent and what little bills still tie me here.... After that, I'm gone.

And, this says it all...

Thu, 26 May 2005 08:15:24 GMT

I got a check for $574 today, from the insurance company.

The reason being is this...

I was visiting my family for my nephew's birthday weekend, last month. My car was parked out front of their house all day long.. That evening, these kids were playing with this fucking soapbox racer thing... Which was essentially a big wooden board with wheels and a lawn chair attached and a jerry-rigged steering mechanism which largely consisted of a 2x4 and a piece of rope.

They were running it down the street in front of my folks' house, and this kid thought a car in the upcoming intersection might turn onto our street, and he tried to slow down (read: put his foot on the wheel), and lost control of the thing, slamming into my driver's side door.

He put a sizeable dent in the door, which couldn't just be plungered out, because there was a crease. I took it to a local body shop and the estimate to fix the door would be around $575 bucks.

The kid's dad's insurance company gave me a check for the whole amount. But I don't know if I just just put the money towards moving and just say "fuck the door." I mean, the car is completely mine to do with as I please... No more of this company car shit that I lived with for years. It already had a dent in it when I got it, and, the car, while not dog-ugly, is not the kind of ride that would be impressing the ladies, or anyone else, for that matter, were I to cruise by...

I dunno...

I really need to set aside some scratch for moving. This place is a fucking money pit. Bills are consistently kicking my ass to the point where I hardly ever have money to squirrel away for the future. Plus, I didn't get my tax returns, because my $800 federal and $100 state returns were both apparently sucked up by the gov't to help pay off my fucking student loans.

Still, I can't help but feel like getting the door fixed would be the responsible thing to do. That the money was given to me so I could get the door fixed and that using it for other purposes, however important to me they might be, is misappropriating the funds.

*shrugs* I'll figure something out, I suppose.

Tue, 24 May 2005 18:46:01 GMT

Just got off the phone with my dad.

My grandfather's in the hospital, apparently, and there's a 50-50 chance that he might not make it.

He's the one I can't stand being around and who contributed greatly to my ridiculously low self-esteem with his constant criticism over the past 28 years, but I still can't help but feel awful about this.

And my mom's apparently having gall bladder surgery on Friday... My grandfather will be going under the knife for his heart, also, if he's strong enough to undergo it.

I love my family. They may drive me insane a lot of the time and think that their idea of what's best for me is infinitely better than anything I can come up with, but they're my family, nonetheless, and it tears me up when it's so often a waiting game to see how they manage, when it comes to health issues.