Current mood:

contemplative

On this day, above all others, I really wonder...
Am I truly better off?

In many ways, I am... But in most, I'm not.

My self-sufficiency took a huge stride forward, originally out of an effort to impress and win back her love, and just survived because I had no other choice. I take care of my bills, I make sure I make it to work and I work hard. I ask no favors of no one, partly to keep myself from feeling ashamed for having to do so, partly out of a deep-seated need to not have to rely on others to bail me out of my problems...

In financial and living situations, at least.

My emotional state is a complete shambles and has been since it all fell apart.

Even now, there is still visible signs of the devastation, much like a bombed-out area that no one knows what to do to fix it, so they leave it... Partly as an eventual task to complete, partly as a reminder of human weakness.

To this day, I've never met anyone who even came close to making me feel the way she did. Since she left, I've faced more betrayal, deception, hurt and disinterest than I had, previous to her. Those I dated after her were largely awful, and my relationship with Cass seems to be becoming more and more a sham as time goes on and information comes to light.

I often wonder if things would have been better, had it all not fell apart. I hate much of my life, anymore, I'll admit. My job, my apartment, this town, the bulk of the company that finds me... I hate it. I find myself crying under the massive frustration and disappointment, more often than not. Yet, I'm more trapped in it all than I ever was in my life in Ellsworth, when she was still the most important thing in my life. I can't seem to change or fix any of it... anymore than I could change or fix how things ended or what came after that.

But this is my lot. I hate it, and more and more days go by that I make futile wishes that things might improve... But they don't. I understand that this is my lot. I have no misconceptions of that, though. I understand that she was not meant to be mine, anymore, though it left me hollow as a cheap chocolate rabbit at Easter. I wish her the best, and think of her often... But that ship sailed away and all I have is memories and regret....

And dreams... Incessant dreams of her.


In a lot of ways, I'm stronger and able to weather life's storms.

But, in many more ways, I'm very weak and far more broken than ever.



I'll shut up now.