Current mood:	sad
Current music:	The "repeated phone calls to Nikki" scene in "Swingers"

I'm such a damn idiot.
There's this incredibly gorgeous and statuesque girl at work.

Tall, blonde, beautiful... She is so incredibly breath-taking. I can't help but watching her as she walks by.

The first time I saw her, she was walking out of the breakroom to the production floor as the shift started. She was new and looked lost. I approached her and offered to show her where to go. When we got to her destination, she smiled sweetly at me, touched my arm and thanked me. I was giddy as all get-out, all day, after that.

On another occasion, she had been shipped over to the area where I work and was working at one of the blasts, shovelling sausage from a bin into the feeder for the production line. She looked positively miserable, and I went over and shot the breeze with her a couple of times. Honestly, I was proud of myself, because I didn't find myself agonizing over the idea of talking to her before I did it.

Since then, I've been finding myself doing the incredibly stupid "guy practice" of trying to look and act super-competent and capable when she's nearby, often to disasterous results of running into things and such.

Anyway, last week, while on break, I was sitting in the breakroom, talking to a new guy who'd been shipped out to bakery and was cleaning one of the storage areas that day, when she walked through the room. Her gorgeous blonde hair was done up in pigtails, and she looked positively adorable. When my partner, Jess, came in from having a cigarette, I mentioned to her that the girl was wearing pigtails today, and how cute she looked. I flippantly remarked that, if I could get anything for my birthday, I wanted her. The new guy sitting with us remarked that he knew her and asked if I wanted him to "set you guys up." I thought that he was bullshitting me, and respectfully declined.

A few days later, I saw the new guy and the girl interacting, which proved that he liekly wasn't lying.

Flash forward to yesterday. Said statuesque girl was pulling racks for blast six, and so she was zipping by me, all day, yesterday. She wouldn't even look my way, for the most part, and if our gazes met, she seemed to regard me in a way that was similar to a child regarding a bug. I began to feel more and more like the girl was way out of my league and that I was a fool for thinking that someone so beautiful would even consider spending time with me, much less cultivating a relationship.

Today, I remarked to Jess that that guy and the girl knew each other, after all... And Jess told me that she'd run into that guy a few days earlier and he told her that he had told the blonde girl about my "wanting her for my birthday." Jess asked him why he would do that to which this guy replied "well, she's my friend. Why shouldn't I?" To her credit, Jess refrained from telling me this for quite some time, to try and spare my feelings, and even after having spilled the beans, regretted having told me, given how hard it hit me.

Honestly, the remark was made in a very innocent way. Last year, it was a very similar request I had jokingly made, that I wanted a girlfriend for my birthday, and this was largely me being silly & playful. I really was attracted to this girl and wanted to get to know her better. Despite my complete and utter lack of a sex life in, lo, this past year and several months, it had little to do with sex, other than a deep physical attraction I felt towards her.

Though, in retrospect, I began seeing how the remark sounded very sexually-focused... And I felt like a jackass. She probably thought that I was a colossal pig... Like all those jack-offs I so often proclaim to be unlike.

I feel so stupid.