Current mood:

depressed

I made a complete and utter fool of myself, last night.

Last night, I decided to go out. I hadn't been out since shortly after Cass left me, and normally, I don't like going to the bars by myself, because I always felt like people who go to bars alone and drink by themselves are priarily alcoholics. But, I was really neededing to do something outside the apartment. So, I got cleaned up and dressed up and went down to one of the bars that I really like.

So, I'm there by myself. I stopped and chatted for a bit with someone from work that I sorta know, but it was obvious that he really didn't seem liked he wanted me hanging out with him and his friends all that much, so I went off and sat down at a table. I'm looking around the bar, and there this girl that catches my eye, and she looks really, really familiar. Then, it hits me.

But, before I continue the tale of last night, let me explain to you a bit of backstory...

ABout a month after Cass left, I was feeling exceptionally bored and lonely and put together a personals ad on yahoo, if only to see if I'd get any responses. Predictably, there weren't many. But, one day, about a month ago, I got a response from a cute redhead here in town. Now, the response I got was one of those stupid "try-before-you-buy," pre-formatted, single-sentence responses. They let you do that much, but you have to shell out $20 a month to actually be able to e-mail a person.

So, anyway, I replied back with pre-formatted, single-sentence response. There wasn't much else that I could do, because I really did not have the money to toss into something like that. And it frustrated me, but life went on.

Fast forward to last night, and there was the cute redhead, in the flesh. I wrestled with the idea of talking to her. But, given the situation with how I came to recognize her, I didn't like the idea of starting a conversation with something to the tune of blathering on about how she responded to a yahoo personals thing I'd made, because, really, the whole thing just sounded a little sad.

So, I approached her, asking if I knew her, because she looked very familiar. She was even more adorable in person, and had amazing eyes.

She asked me if I've lived in town long. I replied, "not really. I mean, I've lived in town for about a year or so, but I grew up in the area." She told me that she was new in town, having just come from Michigan. Then, the bartender came over and handed me a beer that I didn't even order, but because I'd been coming up periodically to order a beer, I think she just figured I wanted another. So, I paid for it. While that was giong on, another bartender handed the girl a drink, she took it, flashed me an akward smile and wished me good night, then walked off, talking to a friend of hers and sorta looking back at me with a puzzled look.

And I felt like a complete and utter fool.

I felt like I blew it, big time. I sat down in a worn easy chair near the bar and finished the beer I really didn't want. Then, I went home.

Honestly, I still feel stupid and sad about how poorly that went, but at least I was able to approach the girl and initate a conversation. 9 times out of 10, I'd be too terrified to do so. There's a girl at work who I've been crushing on since the day I started, but I can't muster more than "thank you" if she brings a stack of crusts to be reworked over to the press if I'm working there, or "excuse me" if I happen to be in her way (which seems like an awful lot, even though I don't ever intend for it to be so.) Other than that, I can't say a word to her, and the sight of her makes me feel a compbination of longing and sadness at the same time.

So, yeah... Aaron's not really Smooth Talker material.

Yee.